Ohhhh bollocks. So in case you missed it, I (biggest airquotes in the world) “won” the opportunity to compete against Oli for Pete’s Jam That Jampionship at the next major WWE show.
Unfortunately that major show is Crown bloody Jewel, bloody being an expletive AND a descriptor.
Crown Jewel is WWE’s first Saudi show since the Pandemic, and god how I’d secretly hoped that the pandemic had somehow made WWE’s contract with the Saudi regime evaporate, but no, no no, here we go again.
These shows, for a number of different reasons, SUCK. First, because they’re corporate deference to a regime that murders journalists and doesn’t have a definition of human rights in their dictionary, but also, these shows just suck.
They’re glorified house shows, but at least at house shows, nothing is booked to happen so all the babyfaces go over and people try to have an uncomplicated good time.
At these toilet brush, foul-smelling extravaganzas, not only are the cards mostly terrible, but they routinely come coupled with some flabbergastingly bad booking decisions.
There have only been five Saudi shows but even then this was a REALLY hard list to put together, that’s how uniformly arse these shows are.
I don’t want to watch Crown Jewel, but seeing as I have to, you all have to suffer with me.
I’m Adam, hailing from partsFUNknown and these are 10 Worst WWE Matches To Happen in Saudi Arabia
10. Shane McMahon vs. Dolph Ziggler – Crown Jewel 2018
Aka the match where a chub of bologna was crowned the Best Wrestler In The World, and like all true dads, he did it in his jeans.
The entire tournament was a bit topsy turvy, because lest we forget, a tournament to crown, and it bears repeated, the Best Wrestler in the World, in a tournament featuring Seth Rollins, Rey Mysterio, Kurt Angle and Randy Orton came down to Dolph Ziggler vs. The Miz, which is like a Best Film Ever Made tournament coming down to Mission Impossible 2 vs. Ice Age.
Like they’re both fine movies but… come on.
Miz suffered a bad case of kayfabe and had to forfeit the match, but Shane McMahon, who cares so much about your entertainment that he would repeatedly charge you to watch him wrestle, took off his jacket, put up his famously terrible dukes and beat Ziggler in 90 seconds.
And so, the best wrestler in the world was crowned amidst much rejoicing, one month to the day after the death of Jamal Khashoggi. F**k these shows, and it gets worse from here.
9. Tuwaiq Gauntlet – Super Showdown 2020
Man the Undertaker has had a ROUGH go of it under this Saudi deal, constantly thrown around like a snot-nosed kid bashing his favorite toy against the floor.
Who do you like, Vince asked the Saudis. We like the Undertaker, can he still wrestle? Urm, said Vince, looking over at Taker in his hospital bed, more machine now than man, kind of!!
These shows have all but eradicated the final vestigates of the Deadman’s precarious prestige.
The worst matches are yet to come, and I bet you can guess them, but lets briefly talk about the Tuwaiq trophy gauntlet, a match Tired Dave from Beyond the Grave won with a single bad looking chokeslam despite not being in it, then pissing off back to have a lie in a hammock without even taking the trophy with him.
The match that preceded Taker beating AJ Styles for no reason other than to build heat for him beating AJ Styles at WrestleMania, was real bad and boring too with R-Truth knocking off Bobby Lashley by tripping him over, Andrade by f**king accident, and then Erick Rowen by DQ, what a nailbiter.
Thanks for lasting over 20 goddamn minutes.
8. Brock Lesnar vs. Braun Strowman – Crown Jewel 2018
So, in the wake of Roman Reigns vacating the title after revealing that his leukemia had returned, WWE advertised Lesnar vs. Strowman for the Universal Title.
For context, Brock had held the title for a year and a half, and fans were happy to have the title on weekly TV again.
Braun had just had his momentum crushed with a botched heel turn and being screwed by Brock out of his briefcase cash-in. Also, Strowman had already lost to Lesnar the year before.
Strowman wins in a lay-up right? Oh, you don’t know Saudi Arabia. It’s like Brock Lesnar’s paid by the hour in Saudi Arabia, WWE gets him in and out faster than Jim from American Pie.
Corbin clocks Strowman with the belt, Lesnar F5s him, Strowman kicks out. Another F5, another kickout, another F5 another kickout, f**king please let it end, another F5, another F5 and finally its over.
The match is an angle, but WWE still manage to stretch it out for over 3 boring, anger-inducing minutes, in a move that was probably designed to protect Braun, but ended up just having us watching him get his arse planted again and again and again. Awful, I hate this. I hate all of this.