Rejected Firefly Fun House Characters

Wrestling is both great and extremely bizarre. Sometimes, I like to show people clips from WWE without context just to see their reaction. I’m not talking the spectacular, death-defying moves, I mean the weird crap like Mae Young giving birth to a hand. I like watching them attempt to absorb it while their brain fights off an aneurysm brought on by furiously trying to process the insanity in front of them. It’s like the first time I saw part of Akira. It was the last 15 minutes, I had no context, and my mind shut down like a protagonist in an H.P. Lovecraft story confronted with an eldritch horror.

So in my efforts to baffle people with pro wrestling, nothing has been a greater boon to my war on sanity than ‘The Feind’ Bray Wyatt. The Firefly Fun House has been a wonderful gift of time and effort to the fans from Bray. The amount of focus and dedication Bray has given to this new persona is really paying off with the WWE fans. We love the Fiend, true, but we first fell in love with Bray’s screwed up version of Pee-Wee’s Playhouse.

The funhouse is great, in part, due to all the characters that represent different aspects of Bray’s personality or career.  What you didn’t know is that the selection process for those characters was rigorous. They had to audition in front of a panel of snooty judges and only the best were chosen.

Now, WrestleTalk pulled some strings, called in some favors, and performed a few unholy rights, but we’ve gained access to what went on during those auditions. We now proudly present to you the Rejected Firefly Fun House Characters!

 

6. Felix the Sentient Shovel

• BIO:
  • Felix is known for his freestyle rapping, pandering to children, and burying his coworkers.
• REASON FOR REJECTION:
  • He costs a lot but is seen little.
  • Hogs screen time from other characters.
  • It was determined that fans would start to hate him a few months in.

 

5. Jimmy Scribe the Bipolar Pencil

• BIO:
  • Jimmy tries his best to write good storylines, but when it came to Bray and the Wyatt Family, Ol’ Jimmy hit a brick wall. Jimmy couldn’t decide if Bray was the eater of worlds or the eater of pinfalls and his tepid booking destroyed a character that could have stood the test of time.
• REASON FOR REJECTION:
  • Had a nervous breakdown trying to write a cohesive story while Vince McMahon constantly changed his mind.

 

4. Rotunda the Bearded lady

• BIO:
  • I… What the hell was this?
• REASON FOR REJECTION:
  • Do I even have to say anything? I think we all rejected this the moment it happened, and there was no way this was making it to the Fun House.

 

3. Mark the Disinterested Firefly

• BIO:
  •  Mark is always clever and knows the inside scoop even before the wrestlers do.
  • Mark complains about almost everything Felix presents him and eventually grows apathetic with the wrestlers due to bad booking.
  • Mark once loved Bray, but after the combined efforts of Jimmy and Felix, he stopped caring.
• REASON FOR REJECTION:
  • Doesn’t get along with Vince, Jimmy, or Felix.
  • Once he found out Bray was writing his own stuff he got excited and completely killed his own persona.

 

2. Michael Taylor the Embarrassing Little Brother

• BIO:
  • What’s a Fun House without an annoying, little brother trying to intrude? Michael looks up to big brother, Bray, but has never had his charisma, presence, stature, or talent. Michael tries his best, but can’t seem to get out of his brother’s shadow.
• REASON FOR REJECTION:
  • Busy hanging out with other people who didn’t live up to their family name.
  • Even Bray won’t acknowledge him publically.

 

1. Reagan from The Exorcist

• BIO:
  • Possessed by the devil after messing around with a ouija board. Only brought on so she and Bray could have spider-walk races together.
• REASON FOR REJECTION:
  • Linda Blair can’t bend like that anymore.
  • The pea soup she kept puking up was REALLY hard to get out the Fun House drapes.

 

 

 

• Firefly Fun House
• Bray Wyatt
• The Fiend
• wwe

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