That’s right, I’m back with another exclusive after I broke the really 100% legitimate story about Charlotte Flair winning every single belt in WWE last week.
It was truly humbling to see how many people took the story at face value and didn’t even click on it.
But don’t worry, because I’m sure you’ve clicked on this one, because it’s arguably the biggest story of the year. WWE has decided that every single thing will now be made out of steel, including several wrestlers.
You will have noticed that the things currently made of “steel” in WWE are…chairs, ladders, steps, ring posts, most of The Undertaker, dustbins, pancake platters, the Elimination Chamber, Hell in a Cell, Cages, entrance ramps, lying and cheating, and presumably the testicles of anyone who tries to argue with Vince McMahon.
I have once again spoken to my very secret source, and I’m afraid I can’t tell you who it is, because he’s the chairman of WWE and he doesn’t want people to know his name. He has revealed EXCLUSIVELY to me that everything in WWE will now be made of steel.
“I actually don’t know any other metals, to tell you the truth,” he told me. “The thing is, we want people to believe that wrestling is real, so I thought I would just make everything out of steel to ensure all our wrestlers are in excruciating pain. You know, to make it more realistic. Imagine a canvas made of steel, surrounded by steel ring ropes that don’t move at all. The wrestlers wouldn’t have to pretend to be hurt anymore, so we don’t have to pay them to act. It’s such good steel!”
I asked him whether he was worried about an increase in injuries, but then he made a very good point.
“Have you seen how f***ing massive our roster is? We could honestly injure 300 people and we’d still have thousands of wrestlers to replace them. If that fails, we can just start making steel wrestlers. The Undertaker is already mostly made out of metal, and he’s still putting in five star matches against Goldberg in Saudi Arabia, so we’re really not worried.”
Lastly, he explained that, upon his passing, he will be replaced by a steel bust of himself, into which he has inserted a hard-drive which holds all of his best ideas and jokes about poo.
Stay tuned for more news on this. This has been your Satire-day report.