Stone Cold’s ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas

Stone Cold’s ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when through Broken Skull Ranch
Nothing was stirring, except the winds in the branch
The beer bottles were stacked in the corner w/o care,
Not giving a rat’s ass who would be there;
Stone Cold had passed out far from his bed,
While visions of Jack Daniels danced in his head
In a 3:16 vest with matching cap
He’d drunk himself into a long winter’s nap
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
Then Stone Cold got up to go empty his bladder.
It took a minute, it wasn’t a flash
For he drank a lot, the entire stash
He looked outside, there was no snow
This was Texas, temps don’t get that low.
When what to his hazy eye should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny rein-deer,
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
Stone Cold thought, “now who’s this prick?”
More rapid than Mysterio his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:
“Now! Michaels, now! Trips, now! Road Dogg, and Ass-Man,
“On! Tori, on! Chyna, on! Rick Rude and Waltman;
“To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
“Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”
As jobbers before the wild Braun fly,
When they meet with the monster, and thrown to the sky;
So, up to the house-top degenerate coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of presents – and St. Nicholas too:
And then in a crash, Austin heard on the roof
The trampling and crotch-chops of each DX hoof.
As he drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound:
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
But it didn’t matter, he’d eat Austin’s boot.
A bundle of gifts was flung on his back,
“Hey!” Austin shouted, “Put that stuff back!
I may be spinning after my first case
But you ain’t Santa you’re robbing the place!”
Santa’s mouth drew up in a sneer
“Stone Cold, did you drink your own weight in beer?”
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
Stuffed w/ Val Venis’s Xmas wreath.
If Austin stomped a mudhole in that little round belly,
It’d shake w/ each kick, like a bowl full of jelly:
“Don’t worry about me, you chubby old bastard
Leave my house or I can kick you there faster!”
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
“With talk like that, you’re getting coal instead”
He grumbled to himself, but skipped all his work,
He’d have filled all the stockings but Stone Cold with a jerk,
And laying his middle finger aside of his nose
And giving Austin the bird, up the chimney he rose.
He sprung to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew, before Austin got his pistol:
But Stone Cold heard him exclaim with a bit of fear
“Happy Christmas to all, but we ain’t comin’ back here.”

6 years ago by Cody Brooks


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