WrestleMania 34 Preview – Welcome To The Sour Mallet Penitentiary

WrestleMania 34 Preview – Welcome To The Sour Mallet Penitentiary

You can feel it in the air, right? You’ve been waking up every day, putting on your Macho Man t-shirt, and counting down the days ’til WrestleMania 34. It’s WrestleMania season and that stupid song is stuck in all of our heads. I’m so jazzed I got kicked out of Starbucks for telling the barista they don’t want none!

The WrestleMania 34 card is stacked and the event is shaping up to be a marathon of wrestling greatness. While we can knock off early, since the main event is all but determined, there are plenty of potentially show-stealing matches on the card.

One of those epic matches in the making is the WWE Smackdown Tag Team Championship triple threat. At first, it was set to be the Usos vs. the New Day, and those two teams alone never fail to deliver. Their hell in a cell match is still burned into my retinas. Seriously, watch Xavier Woods get hung (by his wrists) and beaten and tell me the image doesn’t stick with you like awkward kids stick to a wall at a middle school dance.

While the New Day has had a WrestleMania match on the main card it was a non-title, six-man tag match against the League of Nations at WrestleMania 32. The previous year the New Day had been on the pre-show, and last year they were relegated to host duty. This year will see their first title match on the ‘Grandest Stage of Them All’, let alone on the main card.

Also previously exiled to the pre-show, this will be the Usos first time competing on the ‘Show of Shows’ proper. It seems ridiculous that in all this time the Usos have never made it past the Kickoff show, and frankly, it’s a long time overdue.

As if these two team competing for the first time at WrestleMania for tag team gold wasn’t enough, WWE turned in up to 11. Luke Harper and Eric Rowan were two of the most underutilized talents in WWE. For a while, they were proof that Vince didn’t know how to handle every big man. Well, them and Snitsky.

However, they’ve been given a gimmick straight outta the 1980s, and are somehow making it work. Kudos to the other tag teams for taking some serious bumps from these two monsters. Plus, they’re really selling the fear of those mallets.


The most interesting aspect of the matchup will be seeing how all these styles mesh together in the ring. The Usos, while being high-flyers, have employed a more brutal style since locking down the Uso Penitentiary.

The New Day depends on which lineup we get. Anytime Big E is in the mix, the team takes on a David and Goliath dynamic, with Kofi or Xavier doing the flyer/speedster moves and Big E playing the muscle. In the third corner, though, is a team of all brute force. The Bludgeons rely almost solely on pure strength and heavy devastation.

While the Bludgeons are hardly stationary, in fact, Harper is a deceptively agile man, the other two teams will have to rely on outpacing the big guys. The New Day may try to combat some of that strength but both of the other teams have been able to neutralize Big E in the past. Therefore, both the Usos and the New Day will probably attempt to employ a hit and run style on the Bludgeons, and hopefully keep them from getting their bearings.

On the flip side, the Bludgeon Brothers will need to ground the flyers and get their hands on the speedsters. Most likely they’ll have to weather an early, fast-paced onslaught from the others looking to remove the biggest threat early. Eventually, though, the Bludgeons will gain control and brutalize the others for a good bit, but how will it end?

Honestly, not giving the titles to the New Day would be a good choice. They hold a record that will not be beaten in a very long time, they are over whether they titles or not, and they sell merch whether they have titles or not. I love the New Day and I love them as champs, but they don’t need this win. In fact, they’ll likely eat the pin in order to keep the other two teams strong.

If the Usos beat the New Day to retain, the Bludgeons are the most obvious number one contenders at that point because they never lost the match. The same goes for if they win the titles; by pinning Woods in all probability. Not only do the Usos have a rematch clause, they can also play up how they never really lost the belts.

Both the Usos and the Bludgeon Brothers would benefit greatly from a marquee victory at WrestleMania. My money is on ‘2B’, but an Usos retention is equally as likely. This is a hard match to call, but that one of the most exciting aspects of it, right?

Prediction: The Bludgeon Brothers


What do you think of this match? Will someone finally take a mallet shot? Let us know in the comments below or on Twitter here.

5 years ago by Cody Brooks


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