WWE Raw – December 9, 2019 (Review)

If you needed any further evidence of how perverse the world of WWE is, look no further than the events of this past weekend. In the run-up to the festive period, the world’s largest wrestling promotion decided to give some of its talent the gift of… unemployment?

Yip, it turns out that the nicest thing WWE could do for some of its wrestlers is terminate their contracts. It’s the kind of confounding logic usually only seen in M. Night Shyamalan films or storylines involving Lana.

Speaking of the increasingly American ‘Ravishing Russian’, what the hell is going on with her? In just over two months, Rusev made his Lana-less return to Raw, he witnessed his wife snogging Bobby Lashley in full view, and was arrested. For her part, Lana took umbrage with Rusev’s sex addiction, applied for restraining orders in every state Raw is held, and got arrested. (There’s a mild overlap in their respective character arcs.)

Weirdly, Lashley has become an afterthought in the battle of the spouses… and he could very well be the one who gets his hand raised at the end of this whole saga! At least in the first phase.

And true to form, Lashley found himself on the outside looking in again last night as the next instalment of the Lana and Rusev nonsense took centerstage. This week, Raw would host the pair’s all-important divorce proceedings. Because what is wrestling if not an enterprise that drives a wedge between people, forcing them to choose which arbitrarily-designated camp they belong to. #WednesdayNightWar

https://www.instagram.com/p/B53NUgQgY07/

So it’s in that spirit that we turn to Raw on this Monday. To find out how sensitive legal matters are handled in the world of WWE. Frankly, given Vince McMahon’s recent history, I’m surprised he didn’t just freeze Rusev and Lana’s matrimonial status and add six months to their marriage.

Let’s get to the review!

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The Best of Raw

Kevin Owens Finds an Ally

Kevin Owens was interviewed about the attack he suffered at the hands of AOP. KO reiterated his belief that the giant duo were acting on the instructions of Seth Rollins. While walking backstage, he ran into Rey Mysterio, who offered his support… and the lead pipe he used to wail on Brock Lesnar.

It appears @FightOwensFight just found himself an equalizer for when he finds @Akam_WWE & @Rezar_WWE…

Thanks, @reymysterio! #RAW pic.twitter.com/wMrO16sf2r

— WWE Universe (@WWEUniverse) December 10, 2019

This was a neat little segment, that kept Owens’ feud with AOP going while maintaining the spectre of Rollins’ being the mastermind behind the pair’s actions.

Later on, KO continued his search for the AOP. He ran into Mojo Rawley, who gave him the runaround, because he’s a douche. Owens’ punched him in the face and delivered a pretty funny line.

High Octane Tag Team Wrestling

The Viking Raiders took a break from squashing jobbers to issue an open challenge. Which was answered by the Street Profits!

https://twitter.com/WWEUniverse/status/1204216462912544768

The challengers exploded out of the gates, almost securing a pinfall that was broken up at the last second. They then set up Erik for that Doomsday Device, but the Raider managed to slip out. From there we saw duelling cartwheels, an Ultimate Warrior rope shake, and handspring back elbows.

When the Raiders hit Montez Ford with the Viking Experience for the win, I felt a little cheated out of a longer match. It only went five minutes and I wanted it to go on at least another five. But as a concentrated shot of adrenaline, this was awesome.

Aleister Black Has Been Freed

Aleister Black was next up to face Akira Tozawa. Prior to the match, a graphic revealed that Black would be facing Buddy Murphy at TLC. That should be a tasty little nugget.

Good night. pic.twitter.com/ayjnbilaiw

— Akira Tozawa (@TozawaAkira) December 10, 2019

As for the exhibition against Tozawa, it was a remarkably fun little match. It started off fairly tactical, with a ton of transitions between various holds. But the threat of Black’s kicks always loomed. And when he hit the Black Mass, it was over.

Raw is Liv

Liv Morgan received a fifteen second video package, announcing that she was “Coming Soon”. Moreover, Morgan will apparently be debuting a new makeover.

👅😜Get ready for a new @YaOnlyLivvOnce. #RAW pic.twitter.com/zZrHpErCrC

— WWE (@WWE) December 10, 2019

I have very little faith in either the makeover or that Morgan will be arriving any time “soon”. But I have an inexplicable affinity to Liv and will be gold when she does ultimately return. Although I can’t deny I’m a little disappointed that the era of SmackDown Liv has already come to an end.

Murphy is Good

That may be an understatement, as Buddy Murphy is actually great. Before he took on Zack Ryder, Aleister Black cut a very breathless promo to build anticipation to the TLC matchup. It’s concerning that his cardio is so bad – he beat Tozawa in like three minutes.

#MurphysLaw has been written, and it reads:

@WWE_Murphy DEFEATS @ZackRyder on #RAW! pic.twitter.com/ipwc8piNRM

— WWE (@WWE) December 10, 2019

Back to Buddy Murphy, and he easily disposed of Ryder. I would’ve much preferred an angle between Buddy and Black as the final chapter before TLC. But absent that, two quick exhibitions will have to suffice.

Becky Takes On Two

Becky followed the template laid down by Charlotte last week in facing the Kabuki Warriors. And for the second Raw in a row, I enjoyed it.

Asuka and Kairi controlled the majority of the match, with Lynch launching momentary flurries whenever the tag champions faltered. Despite their dominance, the Kabuki Warriors eventually grew frustrated at not being able to put Becky away. So they struck Lynch with a steel chair to cause the DQ and then Sane put her through a table with an AMAZING Insane Elbow.

😱 INSANE ELBOW INDEED 😱

@KairiSaneWWE & @WWEAsuka have laid WASTE to @BeckyLynchWWE! #RAW pic.twitter.com/LNP2q8FmWO

— WWE (@WWE) December 10, 2019

Once in the training room, Charlotte came to check on Lynch again. Begrudgingly, ‘The Man’ agreed to team with Flair if it meant getting another shot at the Kabuki Warriors. On her way out, the ‘Queen’ was attacked by Asuka and Sane. Despite my initial reservations, I guess I can get behind this. It does sort of make sense for Becky and Charlotte to reunite.

A Clash for the Ages

Raw closed with a pulsating, high-octane affair between AJ Styles and Rey Mysterio for the United States Championship. This was a circus that played out all over the place, with several instances where the competitors were almost counted out.

The O.C. were able to save Styles on a few occasions, but Mysterio eventually took them out. There was a slight botch, when Rey looked to deliver a hurricanrana off the middle rope. AJ attempted to grab the rope, presumably to set up an Avalanche Styles Clash, but he lost his grip and both men awkwardly tumbled to the mat.

https://www.instagram.com/p/B54MGDxhrpL/

So when AJ immediately hot a powerbomb and Styles Clash, it felt a bit stunted from a timing perspective. Before Styles could roll into the pin though, Randy Orton slithered into the ring. He never touched Styles, but it was enough of a distraction to allow Mysterio to roll the challenger up for the pin. All in all, a solid main event.

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The Worst of Raw

The Divorce of the Century

In fairness, we all knew this would be utter tosh. The kind of nonsense that you can’t help but by riveted by. So I’m glad we got it out the way early.

Lana came down to the ring, alongside her binder-carrying attorney. Jerry Lawler announced that the ‘Ravishing Russian’ had waived the distance provision of her temporary restraining order, for purposes of these proceedings. It was an entirely unnecessary detail, none of her previous restraining orders pertained to South Carolina – and Rusev violates them willy-nilly anyway.

Safe to say @RusevBUL is winning the divorce so far.

That's a thing, right? #RAW pic.twitter.com/nusN5bsNKC

— WWE Universe (@WWEUniverse) December 10, 2019

Next out was a very excited Rusev, wearing a Donald Duck shirt. I’m sure there’s some meta commentary in there somewhere. From there things turned into a bit of slog, as Lana became ever more shrill. She yelled about how she was the only one who ever loved Rusev. She criticised him for becoming conceited and egotistical. And repeatedly refused to let Rusev so much as pick up the microphone, because he “always made it about himself”.

All Rusev wanted to do, to a massive pop from the crowd, was sign the divorce papers! But not even that could go smoothly, as the couple decided this was a good time to argue over custody of the family puppy. After some more jostling, Lana signed the papers. Rusev picked up the pen, but had one more request. It wasn’t more sex as Lana guessed, but instead a match with Bobby Lashley.

This brought out Lashley, who revealed that once Rusev was out of the way, he would marry Lana. The ‘Bulgarian Brute’ was overjoyed at the prospect of finally be free of his ex-wife and signed the papers. Then a scuffle broke out and Rusev planted Lashley through the table.

I was expecting more Jerry Springer-esque melodrama here, and in truth, it kinda fizzled out. There were no memorable moments or exchanges, and instead all that resulted was a future match between Lashley and Rusev.

McIntyre’s Generic Heel Work

Drew McIntyre made fun of Matt Hardy’s newborn son (hearty congratulations!) before inviting him to leave the ring rather than fight the big Scotsman.

Claymore means it's ALL over.@DMcIntyreWWE just turned the lights out on @MATTHARDYBRAND! #RAW pic.twitter.com/0rf8kzBguk

— WWE (@WWE) December 10, 2019

Hardy, naturally, decided to stay and initially got the jump on his larger opponent. But that was soon put to an end, and McIntyre easily beat Hardy after a Claymore. This was a deeply generic promo, followed by a perfectly acceptable squash match. But at this stage, it just feels like McIntyre should be doing so much more.

Charlotte Comes Crawling Back

Charlotte and Becky Lynch had a heart-to-heart in the locker room. Two weeks ago, neither woman could tolerate teaming together. In fact, they openly stated that they wanted to get as far away from the other as possible.

"I don't like you." – @MsCharlotteWWE

"Feeling's mutual." – @BeckyLynchWWE

Never change, guys… #RAW pic.twitter.com/VWj8G8R3KC

— WWE Universe (@WWEUniverse) December 10, 2019

This week Charlotte meekly asked Becky whether she wanted to take on the Kabuki Warriors with her. As if there was no other woman on the roster that Charlotte could team with. She beat the self-same Kabuki Warriors with Natalya just last month! Ask her!

To her credit, Lynch had no interest in partnering with Flair and instead announced that she would take on Asuka and Kairi Sane by herself. But we all know where this is going, and I don’t like it.

Seth’s Still Spiralling

Seth Rollins marched to the ring immediately following the tag team bout. He announced that he had business to address, but invited the Viking Raiders and Street Profits to hand around. In a blatant show of disrespect (according to Lawler), the two team instead opted to walk away from Rollins.

Largely undeterred, Seth called out the AOP. But out came Kevin Owens, who again expressed his doubts as to whether Seth truly opposed the massive duo. Before long, a camera shot revealed Akam and Razar arriving at the arena. Seth urged Owens to leave, but KO suggested that maybe he should just beat up the AOP and Seth Rollins before they all get the jump on him.

You gotta admire the dedication in @WWERollins.

Leaving to prove he has nothing to do with #AOP… #RAW pic.twitter.com/vNSQIYcJvT

— WWE Universe (@WWEUniverse) December 10, 2019

Frustrated, Seth left the ring. Owens continued to call out the AOP, who instead appeared on the Titantron for a chitchat. And then Sami Zayn arrived on the scene, flanked by… Mojo Rawley?

Zayn proudly announced that he had applied for, and received, his managerial licence. (Whatever that is.) He wanted KO to calm down and extend an apology to his new client? I guess? It was never made clear.

Anyway, Owens gave Rawley a Stunner and then wailed on him with the lead pipe, while Zayn made a quick escape up the ramp. This started as a solid enough segment, that became increasingly confusing as it wore on. Was there really any need to introduce Sami Zayn and Mojo Rawley to this already packed dynamic? Probably not.

Carrillo Makes a New Enemy… Maybe

Charley Caruso appeared backstage to interview Raw’s newest star, Humberto Carrillo. For absolutely no reason whatsoever though, he got into a pushing match with Andrade, as the two men yelled at one another in Spanish. I had no idea what was going on.

A flabbergasted Caruso let out a shocked “TONIGHT?” I’m assuming somewhere in all of that a challenge was issued and we’ll see a match between the two later in the night. As exciting as that will undoubtedly be, given their skillsets, I have no idea how or why we’re getting it.

As luck would have it, the poorly motivated match was up next. It was predictably exciting, showcasing the incredible athleticism of both guys. They just make every death-defying move look so effortless. But I struggled to get invested, because there was no reason for any of this to be happening.

https://twitter.com/WWEUniverse/status/1204228965390405632

Eventually, following some miscommunication between Andrade and Zelina Vega, Humberto rolled up Andrade for the win. This was Andrade’s first loss since joining Raw, and it just felt like it was given up for nothing. I thought we were meant to be building this lad. After the bell, Andrade and Vega continued to argue, with the prospect of their breakup only serving to make matters worse.

The Mastermind in Unveiled

Kevin Owens finally found the SUV that the AOP had arrived in and proceeded to rough it up a bit with his lead pipe. For some reason he though the AOP were holed up inside. He was half right, I suppose.

KO opened the back door to find a hooded figure sitting in the jump seat. He grabbed him, but was immediately jumped by Akam and Rezar. They set about clobbering Owens for a few minutes. Once they were done, they signalled to the figure in the back of the vehicle. The hooded man whirled around dramatically, his face still shrouded. The he lifted his hoodie dramatically – yes, I realise I’ve used that word twice but trust me, it’s necessary – to reveal… Seth Freakin’ Rollins!

🤯🤯🤯#RAW @WWERollins pic.twitter.com/YldKjQjobm

— WWE (@WWE) December 10, 2019

Okay, this was the lamest, bootleg movie villain reveal imaginable. It was just so needlessly goofy. Why was Rollins sitting in the back of the van, alone and in silence, with his hoodie covering his face? Why has he waited all these weeks to reveal that he’s the one pulling the AOP’s strings? What benefit did he get out of denying it for weeks? None of this made a whole heap of sense, and the presentation was woeful.

Rollins said something about it “coming to this” and then delivered a Stomp to Owens on the concrete. I felt a similar form of fatalism watching this segment.

Seth Unburdens His Soul

Having revealed his true villainous self, Rollins appeared on the ramp to berate the crowd. He had fought every night, he didn’t take days off and he had sacrificed everything for the fans. And what did he get in return? Nothing but disrespect and criticism – and he was sick of it!

Apparently Seth had been telling the truth last week when he claimed not to be affiliated with the AOP. Even when he denied it earlier in the night, he was being honest. It was supposedly only in the last half hour that the alliance had been formed. And it was all down to the fans’ pushing him into it. A “self-fulfilling prophecy” Rollins called it.

Believe in The #AOP.#RAW @WWERollins @Akam_WWE @Rezar_WWE pic.twitter.com/QmhEENWo0w

— WWE Universe (@WWEUniverse) December 10, 2019

The AOP joined their new leader on the ramp while Kevin Owens was seen being loaded into an ambulance.

This was an incredibly well-delivered promo by Seth, but I’m still at a loss as to why this union happened. It all feels poorly laid out and certainly lacked any type of impact.

Rowan and his Pet

Erick Rowan was scheduled to face a couple of local enhancement talent, armed with his trusty birdcage. One of the local lads grabbed the cage before the match and scampered up the ramp. Rowan angrily chased after him, causing the frightened man to drop the cage at the top of the ramp and disappear into the crowd.

"I took care of it. I took care of it."

@ERICKROWAN saves his…caged…thing… again? #RAW pic.twitter.com/2PHz4y6Q3I

— WWE Universe (@WWEUniverse) December 10, 2019

The distraction almost caused Rowan to be counted out. But he returned in time to absolutely eviscerate the remaining jobber, forcing the referee to stop the carnage. I’ve disliked most of this ‘Rowan and his pet cage’ nonsense since its inception and this was no different. It just doesn’t feel like it’s going anywhere week-to-week.

Monday Night Weekend Update

The Street Profits hosted their very own Weekend Update style comedy news segment. I HATED this.

I hated it when the actual SNL guys showed up on Raw, I’m going to hate it when wrestlers try their hand at filming a spoof.

The #StreetProfits want the smoke with EVERYBODY…even King @BaronCorbinWWE 😬 #RAW pic.twitter.com/bMmtc1s8Ne

— WWE (@WWE) December 10, 2019

And that raised a lot of questions. As Ford and Dawkins were running through a list of news stories, I wondered when this was all filmed. And who was responsible for inserting the graphics at the right time and playing that grating laugh track? Was it live? Whatever the case, it was simply too long and completely derailed the flow of the show. Somehow I don’t see this becoming a regular feature.

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Overall Rating for the Show (From best to worst: RawSome, Cor, AvRAWge, Poor and RawFul)

Raw lived and died on the Seth Rollins heel turn this week. And, disappointingly for the red brand, the final reveal of Seth being behind the AOP’s attacks was handled with all the subtlety of a stiff kick in the groin. It might as well have been Doctor Evil sitting in that jump seat.

His promo immediately following the cartoonish revelation went some way to redeeming the angle, but in truth it was just a variation of the usual “blame the fans” diatribe.

https://www.instagram.com/p/B54THTljYus/

Mixed in with the Rollins nonsense were a host of matches which seemed to lack any kind of coherent motivations. Things just felt like they were happening, without any true purpose. So, while some of the matches were good, it was hard to invest in them in any meaningful way.

In fairness, Raw got me back with a cracking Viking Raiders / Street Profits encounter. And Becky had a great showing against the Kabuki Warriors. But for every fun segment there was a Rusev and Lana divorce. So, with that mixed bag, Raw this week was AvRAWge.

(Please never do that Weekend Update ever again.)

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• December 9
• review
• RAW
• wwe

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