Nikki Cross, EC3, Heavy Machinery and Lacey Evans debut on Raw! Dean Ambrose loses the Intercontinental Championship! And the world of superheroes will be shattered. Are you ready? Because WWE are going to plug the new movie Glass, opening in theatres this Friday, after every other segment.
I’m Oli Davis – give us a subscribe, press the thumbs up button, let us know what you thought of Raw in the comments below because I’ll be telling people Glass opens in theatres this Friday FROM OUTTA NOWHERE, and click the ‘i’ above my head to give your rating – where you can choose from In Awe, Cor, AVRAWGE, Poor and Bore – as I review the 14th January, 2019 edition of Monday Night Raw …in about 4 minutes.
Vince McMahon Scraps Braun Strowman Match
Braun Strowman kicked off Raw with an in-ring promo about how Brock Lesnar’s always been scared of facing him – most recently by screwing him over at WWE World Cup . Braun, you got the name wrong, you big goof. The correct pay-per-view name was: WWE Greatest World Cup To Determine the Best Crown Jewel in the World… 2018.
Corbin came out to tell Strowman he wouldn’t be main eventing WrestleMania, prompting a good old fashioned Braun chase backstage – complete with randomly throwing a Singh brother over a table, and Elias telling Strowman Corbin was hiding in Vince’s limo through the medium of song, like it’s a fantasy novel.
Braun beat up the innocent driver, smashed a window and ripped the limo’s door off… to find Vince standing right next to him. McMahon fined him $100,000 on the spot, and pulled him from the Universal Title match at Royal Rumble. It’s so good we have the McMahons in charge now, who have no petty agendas like previous authority figures.
Strowman replied by flipping the entire limo – causing him to be escorted from the building.
This all fell rather flat, with Strowman no longer having any of the momentum he had in the middle of last year.
Ronda Rousey & Sasha Banks beat Nia Jax & Tamina
Ronda Rousey might’ve shattered WWE’s glass ceiling for women in 2018, but what will happen when Glass shatters the world of superheroes this Friday?
Sasha Banks got worked over by Nia Jax, Tamina and the trailer for Glass during her tag match next , getting the win despite never tagging in Rousey.
We continued to get the worst possible version of Ronda in the in-ring interview segment next – humble champion Ronda – as she talked about how much she respected Sasha. Thankfully, we got a considerably more badass Banks when she took offence to Rousey’s line about beating her.
Revival beat Lucha House Party
The Revival beat Lucha House Party in the background of a backstage promo next, which had jobber acts Heath Slater, No Way Jose and the B Team trying to become Lesnar’s new opponent. And amongst all those undercard wrestlers, we got NXT call-up EC3 walk into shot, smile, and walk off. This episode did a better job promoting Glass than their newest star… which is out in theatres this Friday.
Vince McMahon Likes Beef
Cementing that everyone in the preceding segment is a joke, Vince came down to entertain John Cena, Baron Corbin – he’s still in main events – and Drew McIntyre’s arguments for why they should face Lesnar. Finn Balor came down to present his case too – he never lost the Universal Title, remember? – but, as Vince astutely pointed out, Finn hasn’t got enough beef to fight Brock. Cena has beef . Corbin, he has beef. McIntyre, that’s Angus steak beef. Balor, nil beouf . I’m pretty sure McMahon just got hungry half way through this promo and started seeing stakes around him. Bad cow!
A fatal four way was booked between them all for the main event.
Finn Balor beat Jinder Mahal
But not before Balor had to prove his beef by beating Beef Master Jinder Mahal – who almost faced Lesnar at Survivor Series 2017, remember. Genuinely a thing that was once very close to happening.
Natalya, Bayley & Nikki Cross beat Riott Squad
Nikki Cross debuted on Raw next as Natalya and Bayley’s mystery partner to face the Riott Squad. Nikki got a good showing, but it was Bayley who was given the pin. A weird decision seeing that surely the idea is to get Cross over.
Afterwards, Lacey Evans got a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it backstage cameo, talking to some ladies in fancy hats. Well, that screams bigtime.
Bobby Lashley beat Dean Ambrose & Seth Rollins
In the best match of the night, Bobby Lashley shockingly pinned Dean Ambrose to become the new Intercontinental champion; a fittingly limp conclusion to Ambrose’s IC title run – a character with so much initial promise and depth, using the real-life fuel of Roman Reigns’ leukemia diagnosis, booked into the ground with poor-taste promos and intellectually insulting germaphobe heat.
Speaking of characters gone awry!
A Moment Of Bliss: Paul Heyman
I’m confused about what an Alexa Bliss is.
In the following Moment of Bliss segment, Alexa transitioned from a kinky persona when a runner walked in on her topless, a babyface announcing the new women’s tag team champions will be crowned at Elimination Chamber, a promo for Glass, out in theatres this Friday, and then being a one-dimensional interviewer of Paul Heyman.
Further confusing everything, Heavy Machinery’s Otis Dozovic interrupted Heyman to start mumbling nonsense at Bliss. I think this was meant to be that seeing Bliss topless earlier had made Otis horny, but that was neither very clear, or any good. You’ve had a month, WWE, a whole month to come up with what your NXT call-ups are doing, and you’ve faceplanted out of the gate. This was a terrible main roster debut, even by WWE standards.
Finn Balor beat John Cena, Drew McIntyre & Baron Corbin
At least the main event gave us reason to be optimistic about the New Era: Balor earned a rematch for the Universal title he never lost!
Finn went over strong here, pinning Cena with a Coup De Grace, and getting an endorsement promo from John after the match. After also endorsing Becky Lynch on SmackDown, it seems Cena’s New Year’s Resolution for 2019 is get over the Irish. And WWE’s was to get over Glass opening in theatres this Friday.
This is the sort of episode that was actually kind of infuriating to sit through, but leaves you on a high note: we’re getting Balor vs Brock at Royal Rumble – hopefully The Demon vs The Beast – so this week’s Raw is AvRAWge.