It’s almost time for the only consistently good day on the wrestling calendar; the only time of the year that is consistently good and never disappoints and- YOU GET OUT OF HERE 2022 RUMBLE, NOBODY INVITED YOU.
While a lot of the Royal Rumble’s appeal comes from the unpredictability of its potential winners, this year the outcome seems fairly obvious (Rhea or Becky for the women’s, Cody, Sami or Otis for the men’s).
While that won’t necessarily detract from the overall enjoyment of the Rumble, which is still sure to have a few tricks up its sleeve, wouldn’t it be crazy if somebody truly unexpected (but still justifiable) won the old rough-and-tumble?
Somebody should write a list about that…
Liv Morgan
In any other year Liv wouldn’t necessarily be the craziest Rumble winner; unexpected, sure, but an underdog win is pretty much a Rumble staple and one of the things that makes the contest great.
It would even tie in to the story WWE has been telling with her recently, as her loss to Ronda Rousey forced her to toughen up and get (guitar sound) EXTREME.
Seeing Liv enter at one and go the distance would be a great hard reset for Morgan’s character, and set up a nice rematch with Rousey where, instead of being a complete nonentity, she could actually stand a kayfabe fighting chance.
However, Liv Morgan is the most recent women’s Money in the Bank winner, and giving her the Rumble win after squandering that could cause more harm than good.
Stone Cold Steve Austin
Did you guys know that Stone Cold Steve Austin holds the record for Royal Rumble wins, with three?
You did? You say commentators say that constantly, at every opportunity, for the entire month of January?
Well get ready to update your WWE-themed Trivial Pursuit, as recent reports indicate that everybody’s favorite southern snake man could end up adding another notch to his smokin; skull belt by winning one more time, and taking the Rock’s place against the Tribal Chief in April.
Edge
Did you guys know that only three men have won the Royal Rumble from the number one position: Shawn Michaels, Edge and (unintelligible mumbling)?
Yeah they don’t tend to trot this stat out as much any more, and when they do it’s always phrased in such a way as they don’t have to acknowledge the Very Bad Thing.
You know what would be a great way to remedy that situation? By giving one one those guys a brand new, even more impressive stat (and I’m assuming it won’t be Michaels).
Did you know that only one man has won the Rumble from the number one spot… twice? It could happen.
Logan Paul
People say that WWE doesn’t do enough to push new stars, and I’m inclined to agree.
That’s why I think they should give 2022’s Rookie of the Year Logan Paul a shot at the big one, letting him win the Royal Rumble and setting up a big win for all the gold at WrestleMania.
What better way to shock the crowd than by giving this relative unknown, who only has three matches under his belt, one of the most prestigious accolades in professional wrestling?
Daniel Bry-who? This is a real underdog story right here.
Sheamus
It’s crazy to think about now, but can you believe there was ever a time when people genuinely didn’t care about Sheamus (it’s me, I’m people)?
The least tanned man in Florida shocked the world last year by doing the impossible and making us actually want to see him wrestle. Like, a lot.
Seriously, the man went from having piss thrown in his face by Jeff Hardy to having the match of the year with Gunther, and all he had to do was exactly the same thing he’s been doing for like 20 years.
Give the man the Rumble, let him beat Roman. He’s earned his shot.
Shayna Baszler
Another entry that would have made perfect sense about three years ago, before the pandemic performed a hard reset on the popularity of all your favorite wrestlers and sent them plummeting down the card.
If 2020 had gone down the way it was supposed to, and WWE didn’t get skittish about giving a violent heel a win over their biggest face in the middle of a global health crisis where everybody was already super depressed (which, yeah, okay, fair enough), Baszler would probably rule the women’s division by now.
As it stands, she’s muscle for a less-interesting version of herself in Ronda Rousey, and playing video games with Dakota Kai on Twitch.
Give her the Rumble, send her against Charlotte (or Ronda?) at ‘Mania, give her the squash win, and bring back the scary Shayna we all know and are terrified of.
Bayley
Again, in another life there wouldn’t be anything remotely surprising about Bayley winning the Rumble, after she more-or-less carried the company on her back during the Performance Centre and Thunderdome eras.
Unfortunately Bayley’s post-injury booking has been one of the great missteps of Triple H’s creative tenure, and her credibility as a WrestleMania main eventer has plummeted like so many victims of the Bayley To Belly (the most devastating move in all of sports entertainment).
But hey, maybe that’s a good reason to give it to her. Bayley’s still great, it’s just her booking that’s sucked.
You could even make it a part of her story, where nobody believes that she deserves to main event ‘Mania, least of all Charlotte, who she has to overcome to regain some of the momentum she had in 2020.
And then, of course, it’s back to calling people idiots and bullying Michael Cole, because I’ll be damned if I’m going back to hugger Bayley.
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