10. Cesaro Eats His Own Teeth
In Switzerland, teeth eat you! Of all the ones on the list, this one gives me the heebiest of jeebies. No Mercy 2017 saw the abusive relationship of Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins go up against the Dream Daddies Sheamus and Cesaro for the Raw Tag Team Championships. Cesaro attempts a Neutraliser, which is counter into a slingshot into the corner. Cesaro then collided with the ringpost with such force that, oh god i hate it, his two front teeth weren’t knocked out, they went up, INTO HIS GUMS. eeerrrhrhhhh. The match continues and we’re not sure anything’s wrong until rollins kicks cesaro and the face and the red stuff goes everywhere. Thankfully WWE were on hand to show Cesaro’s hibernating chompers and a slow close-up, just in case anyone was watching the PPV over f***ing dinner, thanks everyone. Cesaro finished the match, because of course he did – inhaled his own teeth, makes sense – and then had to have his teeth surgically removed from the inside of his f***ing head. Stop wrestling. Stop all of wrestling.
9. Redesign Rebuild Relocate John Cena’s Nose
Normally when we say nasal in relation to seth rollins its for a different reason. So, you know how in wwe video games you can create a wrestler and, if you’re not happy with where their nose is, you can move it using a slider? Well, seth rollins wasn’t happy with where John Cena’s nose was, and moved it with his f***ing kneecap. Seth taking his architect role a little too literally there. Cena and Rollins were wrestling on the July 27th episode of Raw in 2015 when an errant Tiger Knee sends Cena’s schnoz into parts unknown, aka, in the region of his f***ing ear. There’s something morbidly thrilling about watching god bleed and the most invulnerable human specimen in wrestling to be literally bent out of shape. Cena finished the match in an effort that transcends heroic and moves into cosmic, and was back in time to wrestle at SummerSlam a month later, because if you tell an injured wrestler to stop wrestling they will break your leg and then demand you finish YOUR match. What match, you say through streams of tears. Finish the match, the wrestler will whisper.
8. The Nose Knows
Staying in olfactory country a bit longer, and the most iconic nose botch since the birth of Paul Levesque. Armageddon 2006 and a fatal fourway ladder match for the WWE tag team championships pitting Brian Kendrick and Paul London against William Regal and Dave Taylor, MNM and the Hardy Boys. I strongly advise at this point that anyone eating anything involving pasta sauce, ketchup or a human orbital bone not listen to this next bit. Jeff Hardy was sat on the turnbuckle as Matt, Johnny Nitro and Joey Mercury fist bickered over a ladder that was leaning against another, see-saw style. Jeff Hardy saw the opportunity for mutually assured destruction, his favourite kind of destruction, and hurled himself onto the ladder which sprung up into the faces of Matt, Johnny and Joey. Matt was fine, Johnny was fine, Joey was a C-C-C-COMBOBREAKER. The ladder flattened his nose and smashed his orbital bone, sending blood gushing every which way like his nose was a lawn sprinkler and it was a really bad summertime.