Also known as the importance of stretching. There’s powerwalks, there’s powerwalks and then there’s powerwalks that end with you rupturing both quads like a total doyle. Cut back to the royal rumble 2005 and the chairman completing the latest chapter of My Ludicrous F***ing Existence The Vince McMahon Memoirs. The rumble was supposed to end with Batista winning without complication, but life proceeded to complicate things by the way of an almost too good to be true botch which saw both men tumble out of the ring and hit the ground at exactly the same time. Literally, exactly the same, it’s insane. Despite there being precedence for this at the 1994 Royal Rumble with the double elimination of Bret Hart and Lex Luger leading to a draw, because this time that wasn’t the plan, everyone had to improvise, and vince said, hmm we need a distraction while we come up with something. I know, I’ll walk out there without limbering up, try and slide into the ring, crack my legs on the apron, and then sit in the ring like a grumpy child at his birthday puppet show and hope no one notices I’m in colossal pain. Sheer beautiful madness. Vince barked orders from the ground, the match was restarted and the right man won, but not before the cosmic gift of vince’s bad legs.
6. Daniel Bryan Touches A Nerve
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1jx-5TWba0Y
Well, I’m awfully glad that Daniel Bryan isn’t retired anymore because gosh it makes it easier to write jokes for this bit. D-Bry may be the most affable man to kick you in the chest until your doctor bursts into tears, but he’s as strong a proponent as anyone of the go hard, don’t rest, finish the match mentality. Scariest of all was the revelation that he once hid the fact that he was having seizures from the WWE medical staff. Daniel, we love you, never do that again. Those seizures began as a result of the June 17th 2013 episode of Raw, when Daniel Bryan wrestled Randy Orton in a No DQ match. During a botched suicide dive, Bryan flies at little too far and crashed his head into the barricade, giving him a legitimate nerve injury. The doctor comes over and tries to get bryan to stop because he was losing feeling in his arms, and if you watch the match back you can notice slowness in those limbs and a lack of coordination. Protecting Bryan from further injury, the match was ordered to be called off from the gorilla position. Furious, Bryan stormed backstage and got into a screaming match with Triple H, which went something along the lines of ‘don’t try to take care of me ever again’ which is the exact point where professional crosses the line into carny. Look, this was around the time that the Goat was becoming the hottest wrestler on the planet and beginning a proper main event push, so you can understand Daniel Bryan trying to be reliable, but yeah the accumulation of damage from this injury led to Bryan vacating the WWE World Heavyweight Championship after only 64 days, which is heartbreaking.
5. I’m Still In A Dream, Snake Beater
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ubt6zYb9LO0
Hey, this entry’s about an injury being done on purpose. Fun! ‘Brock Lesnar once intentionally broke a man’s head open’ is one of those sentences that feels like it’s always existed. Like, once concepts and rational consequence had emerged from the primordial ether it went, ‘meat good’, ‘fire hot’ and ‘yeah brock lesnar’s definitely broken a guy’s head open.’ Because he’s a pacific rim machine powered by twin brothers rage and survivalist aggression. He’s f*** you got mine in branded shorts and I’m surprised he’s only opened three dudes up with the point of his elbow. It’s become part of Lesnar’s crisis moveset, something to call on for special occasions. Cena pulls out the rolling double AA, Orton has the punt, and Brock takes his elbow pad off and performs head percussion until you bleed hard-way, are you not sports-entertained? He’s done it to Cena at Extreme Rule 2012, Roman at Mania 34 but the really bad one was against Orton at SummerSlam 2016. He actually caved his skull in a little bit, cut way deeper than he was supposed to, giving Orton a huge concussion and quotes ‘working the boys’ so much that Jericho squared up to him backstage after watching the match. And how did it feel to see the biggest party of the summer end via intentional gruesome injury. From someone who was actually there, yeah, not great.
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