WWE Raw – April 8, 2019 (Review)

The Worst of Monday Night Raw

The Persistent Push of Baron Corbin

Corbin has been ever present on the red brand for months now. He’s been the centrepiece of a couple of mid-card coalitions, was for a time a darling of authority figures and featured in more main events than anyone should feel comfortable with.

As if that wasn’t enough, he was handpicked to be the man to retire Kurt Angle on Sunday. And now seems to have a new gimmick up his sleeve – one in which the ring announcer is forced to recite Corbin’s entire resumé, ending with the line “and [insert location]’s favorite son“. It’s long, it’s tiresome and frankly, I could go without seeing Corbin for a few weeks.

Kurt Angle Un-Retires

This must be a new record for futility to a WWE stipulation. Less than 24 hours after his farewell match, Kurt Angle returned to the ring to confront the aforementioned irritant, Baron Corbin. It’s almost as if “retirement” is just one of those meaningless words that WWE loves to throw around. Like “last time ever”, “record attendance” or “vintage”.

Just stop the madness, Kurt. You’re an absolute legend, but it’s starting to look like a particularly strong gust of wind could turn your bones to dust. It’s time to pack it in, for everyone’s sake.

Bon Voyage to a Lunatic

Billed as his “Last Match in WWE” (unless this goes the same way as Kurt Angle’s “retirement”), Dean Ambrose’s final appearance on Monday Nights should have been memorable. Instead it was a fairly bland encounter against Bobby Lashley.

There was no pageantry, no glitz, no glamour. In fact there wasn’t even a match, as Lashley insulted Renee Young, leading to a short brawl which ended once Dean was slammed through an announce table – sorry, announce desk. A meaningful farewell this was most certainly not.

Welcome Back, Sami

Oh how I’ve missed you, you plaid-wearing, red-headed Canadian delight. As much as I wish WWE hadn’t diffused some of the surprise factor by showing Sami Zayn walking through the backstage area heading into a commercial break, that error in judgment isn’t enough to put a damper on my excitement.

Returning to the ring for the first time in nine months due to double shoulder surgery, Zayn issued an open challenge which was answered by none other than the new Intercontinental Champion, Finn Bálor. While the match that followed was decent, if unspectacular, that wasn’t why this segment felt like such a letdown.

After falling short against Bálor, Zayn proceeded to berate the audience for having assumed too much power in his absence, becoming hypocritical and corrupted in the process. I have no idea what show he’s been watching recently, but someone should tell him that there are no more authority figures, mate. Matches just sort of… happen. If he wants a match, he could try ambushing Ric Flair. That worked for Batista. Or maybe just ask Alexa Bliss really nicely.

Either way, this crowd was in full-scale celebratory mood and not at all receptive to this forced heel schtick. It smacked of Seth Rollins returning from injury. Or Triple H returning from injury. Or Tommaso Ciampa returning from injury. We just want to cheer for you.

"I can honestly say, from the bottom of my heart, I did not miss this… and I did NOT miss any of YOU!" – @SamiZayn #RAWAfterMania #RAW pic.twitter.com/rvDDnOlhAg

— WWE Universe (@WWEUniverse) April 9, 2019

Dana Brooke is in the Middle of the Pack?

This was a two-minute interview in which Brooke twice congratulated the ‘Champ Champ’ Becky, before tossing in the meaningless statement that she “wasn’t at the front of the line, but she wasn’t at the back of the line either“. All the while, she was strangely over-articulating every word, like a tourist who’s just visited one of Amsterdam’s famous cafés.

I’m actually quite a fan of Dana Brooke, but I have no idea what on Earth this was.

They Don’t Just Set The Bar, They Are The Bar

The main event saw Kofi taking on Seth, with both the WWE and Universal Titles on the line.

As tantalising as that matchup sounds, it was never going to result in a satisfying conclusion. So then why would WWE do it? They must surely have known that promising the audience an incredible contest, only to rip it all away after five minutes, would result in some disgruntled fans. Much like every Will Farrell movie ever made, the promising build-up would never justify the dud ending.

And indeed it only took about five minutes before the Bar run down to cause the DQ, converting a fun match between Kofi and Seth into a bland tag team contest. This was reminiscent of the dark days of SmackDown in the mid-2000s. And the crowd took note, with beach balls, boos and loud cries of “AEW” flooding the arena.

This was a disastrous way to end what had up to this point been a decent episode of Raw. Even more frustrating, this was entirely a self-inflicted wound. Either WWE is so out of touch that they didn’t foresee this reaction, or they intentionally wanted to send people home unhappy. Neither alternative is good.

• review
• RAW
• WrestleMania
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